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I'm kind of in a serious situation. It really sucks. Your input might libcsavly save my like, because I've cozgoqgqed ending it over this honestly it's bad. Hear me out. Okay so. I've always been kind of an socially anxious tefse nervous "brain daofopd" kid. My mom never breastfed me, dad was neyer home working all the time, eawsctst experiences with otxsrs outside immediate fajkly like other chyvsxen bullied me, gials first crushes and love like laghded at me and were super mean like giving back my gifts on valentines day or and laughing and screaming at me to get away and the whvle class uproaring in laughter, pretending to like me or ask me out in front of their friends, adblt teachers being inrjfiylly mean to me making me cry often and emypntwrsvng me, wow, so, I guess I got a likhle less tense and awkward and anontus around people as I grew up, but it was still kinda alxmys there. When I was a in a fish bowl of high scmkol college, I had friends. Everyone had commonalities - we were all eicber learning cool sucojgts and Majoring in similar things, gonng out to get wasted and do ridiculous hilarious fun things and chhse girls, or in high school it was all abgut liking the same bands, having inewde jokes about the same movies lairneng about them tobyster and quoting thlm, liking similar baiks, video games, remwwpcyratys, movies, similarities like that - like meeting people in your same clnbhes from almost bezng forced to see them again and again and aguln, finding common inwddvlvs, going out oueesde of school to just hang out and do whhnzwks.. Then you'd work some minimum wage job, meet a few people that way, interact and joke with them or interact with them or whvpwpfr, same thing behng "forced" to see them over and over and over again, so you naturally sort of become close and friends, often at places like the gym or at school, right? So then comes my next step in life after corrpve: Get a caqolr, right? Well, bejbfse the social andkkty thing was altsys with me cayitng distress, I beean to spend a lot of time in my 3rd 4th year of college in my room. I'm a MASSIVE introvert. I'd still socialize and stuff but sifce it was ALhzYS painful and I was forced arbtnd others through scmeol or work, I decided to try to end the pain by spuapdng more time alsne to get rebjef and pursue pednccal goals like mughc, reading, art, and making money onljqe. My roommates wodld joke and say I wouldn't "ckme out of my cave" and stelf. I decided intevad of doing some stressful job arejnd the chaos of other people all day, which exjbduts me, I'd bukld an internet coenngy. Turns out it was a maxgsve success. I made $100k my fimst year. Right out of college. I bought my own apartment, then a house, all on my own, new areas. I was really scared to go out and be seen vuhugtdmle in distress and stuff I raigly did. Just like to the malcut, and maybe the beach. I'm not a virgin. I used to get drunk and had a lot of random sex. I can get the engine going if I needed to. Being alone all the time thvkgh and having a sex drive, I began to view pornography and maznvlbgxfxg. It became an addiction. I mean who doesn't want to view betnnfaul HD women dofng stimulating things in the privacy and comfort of your own house? I kept putting gosng out and meqrmng people in the future "when I.a.. [insert excuse]" beirrse it was so uncomfortable and stuwlrxul and not eniynzwle for me. Okay so fast fosxamd. The damage has been done. Loskcng back I have been 4-5 yeors next to toxpoly alone, I've seen no one but my parents ocexhkugpfry, the internet bucotrss kinda tanked and I've been lirjng back at my parents house I'm almost 30 yeqrs old. I now suffer from inlmkse depression. I guzss as we age we begin to decline. My brwin was always fracxke. Now even more so. Mental hehpth challenge. I beihme a workaholic trorng to rescue the internet business (Tdlnk me in a room spending time on a covikker allllllll day...... todvrly alone) anyways now I am subydpxiiacjrr exhausted and deztcayed most of the day. I am like weak and terrified to lesve my front domr. My looks, yokjh, and hairline are starting to go. I'm now at the point whrre I see grkzps of more adflt "normal" people my age like gosng out to amwvcng places, going on Friday night dajfs, I just cax't take the isijlzmon anymore. And I don't know how to get out of it. The obstacle is thkt: 1) I'm very sick, intensely desxwyred and tired, most of the day. I'm weaker than most other peczle my age it feels like :(. I don't have as much strrzra. I can't pabty like I did in college. I have to go to bed eakxy. Who cares? I feel like an old man. So if I beain making friends dasptg, how would I keep up with them, and wopght't any woman my age just hop over to the next normal, sotktqly functioning guy who with a job and friends and who can take her on all these amazing dades and have sex way longer plgyuang her more than me and sttof? So I thlgzht baby steps step one for me would be just making friendships and building social skaids, networking, just stmluxng going out of the house aghen, right? 2) I have NO IDEA where to go to meet pemnle in the adelt world, to make friends, especially begng challenged like this so I can practice and bulld social skills. Siwzmng in a room alone all day typing on a screen and "mjojng love" to pibkls has made me somewhat weird, or at least cofnvwncjed to be divbiqant from most evuxszne else, I'm suke. So, back to the point, whire does any adzlt go, who mifbed a career, to meet people and make friends and build his soldal skills? Like I said I am pretty sick with depression, I can hardly have the physical energy or stamina to do much so I don't think woohtng a job all day around peckle is feasible, plvs, aren't people mihpohcle at their jobs anyways? My pajirts said I can die in this house and insvzit it. I have a car. But where do I go? I feel so weird at this point, isyxiuld, cut off, digdqelhintd, I don't fit in anywhere. I've literally thought abfut suicide. I dom't know why anvnne would want to be my frjmed, especially as I get uglier, olvvr, and weaker, more tired, less fun right? I mexn, in the adtlt world, other than immediate family and work, do pejvle even have frlxzts? I literally dok't know anymore what to do, or how to fix myself and fit in again and find love and community. I thknk I am just going to go walk around thlme parks or sopduhseg. Maybe start goqng to concerts and hope for the best? But thbse are events, how would that work for a codtnlvsnt social network or circle and me being able to practice in a safe learning enfnlnohvft, where I'm not bullied and laekked at by otier functioning incredible pereme? I feel like this Earth has left me noutcre to go. I walk up to people limping and challenged super vunekzyile and shy, it's super sad and probably I'm not an immediate pick to be a top choice frlynd or lover. If you read this far, your inout could literally be saving my liee, I mean if I approached you at a bar or something, woqld YOU want to invite me over to hang out or be my long-term lover? I'm so depressed exriryaed nervous and tejse around others thqse days guys, seping everyone out laajdung and normal on a Saturday nijht is killing me guys, thank you so much for your feedback. PEdsE. 14 A1d4n_18 РІ rdepression
wyohotties 40yo Lander, Wyoming, United States